Friday, July 30, 2010

"Stand By Me" Moment

My dietitian post reminded me of a beautiful moment.  (By beautiful I really mean revolting.)

A little background:  Macho Man has always had this hilarious gag reflex.  If he sees something gross, or even thinks about something really gross he'll start retching.  I don't mean gross like blood and gore- he can handle that.  He's Macho Man.  I'm talking about poop and boogers.  He can't handle it.  He'll tell you that he won't lose his cool with a gun in his face, but if he was flying a plane you could hijack him with a big green booger on your finger.  For years I thought it was fake.  It must be some sort of attention seeking behavior.  I was still not entirely convinced even when he tried to change his first real poopy diaper and ended up with his head in the kitchen sink losing his lunch.  I'm thinking: what an elaborate ruse to avoid diaper duty, but if he's determined enough to actually heave his guts up, I'll just change the farking things myself and hold it over his head to get him to do other stuff.  (Isn't it bad that I think that way?  Oh whatever, you know you do too.)

The day I finally believed him that he couldn't help it was the day that this happened.  

I had decided that Blue Eyes was going to learn to eat vegetables whether he liked it or not.  I put a kernel of corn into his mouth and held it in with a hand over his mouth.  I mean, come on, corn isn't even a real vegetable.  My method sounds brutal, but I was gentle- and I was giving him lots of encouragement... "It's not so bad- taste it!  It's the same thing as popcorn.  You like popcorn...."  He's crying immediately and begging to spit it out but I was convinced if I could just get past the first bite he'd realize it wasn't so bad.  

Then he starts vomiting.  Vomits 2-3 times on the floor. 

Guns and Lil' Bit are sitting at the table with us.  Gunner watches for a second then starts gagging and vomiting....vomits 3-4 times all over the floor.  But worse, he's trying to escape the scene and runs over the carpet as he continues to vomit.  

Next thing I know Macho Man comes in to see what's going on, and he starts gagging and vomiting in the kitchen sink.  

Lil' Bit and I are just looking at each other in disbelief and I think to myself:  Oh my.  It's legit.  And it's farking inherited.

I don't have to tell you who was cleaning up all that vomit by their lonesome.  I won't be trying that again.  

But I couldn't miss the similarity to a particular scene from the classic movie "Stand By Me"

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

I am Robot

Me:  So, Blue Eyes says to me today, 'I am a robot and this is my control button' as he points to his penis.

Macho Man:  He doesn't even know how right he is.

Highlight of the Day

So, I registered the twins for Preschool today.  It was iffy for a long time whether they'd be able to go to school, so it was a big day for me.  Mostly I'm excited that they'll have the opportunity to go to preschool.  With the problems that Blue Eyes has had with school, anything that helps the twins get a leg up is fabulous.  But also...the idea of having all three kids in school twice a week (even for just a few hours) makes me want to do a happy dance!!!!

Frankly, I'm surprised they let us enroll without suddenly remembering that they were full after all.  I had all three kids with me, and the twins were strapped into the double stroller.  The entire time I was talking to the director Guns was throwing an angry screaming fit.  He was  furious with the world.  He had woken up in the morning on the wrong side of the bed and was punishing everyone in earshot for it.  After quite awhile of getting no response from me as I desperately tried to have a semi-normal conversation with the director, the little fart did the one thing he knew would get my attention.  He grabbed Lil' Bit's arm and bit the crap out of it.  So hard that it left a bit mark where you could count his teeth.  Right in front of the preschool director. And now I had two hysterical children with me.

I'm pretty sure she was mentally penciling in our first meeting to discuss Guns' "aggressive behavior".  The follow up will cover how he told his teacher that he would "DESTROY HER!", I'm sure.

After 15 more minutes of both the twins screaming at the top of their lungs I had hurried through the paperwork and escaped.  We finally get home and about two minutes after I finally got them settled down and in bed for a nap, realized I had left my stroller in the preschool parking lot.

Of course.

Macho Man's comment:  "Well, at least there wasn't a child in it."

This time...

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Top Ten Things the Terror Twins Fought Over Today

We had a full and fabulous day at the beach today, and although I'm sure it will be a glorious memory someday in hindsight, let me give you a little insight into the play by play.  Here's a top ten list of the biggest fights of the day between the terror twins.  Just this summer they have adopted the lovely habit of scrapping over EVERYTHING.  I don't mean, whiney-ness, or tattling to Mommy- I mean full on, screaming slap fights followed by mutual melt-downs.  

10.  A filthy seagull feather no doubt crawling with bird mites
9.    Who gets to sit in Mommy's lap (this is all the time, so why should the beach be different?  Just because there's something else to do??)
8.  A hole that someone else had dug
7.  The ownership of Daddy; "NO!  MY DADDY!"
6.  Immediately following, who gets to shove Daddy's head underwater and try to drown him
5.  The handle of a broken sand shovel
4.  The light green bucket- because the purple one, dark green one and blue ones are all   completely unacceptable
3.  A slimy piece of deli meat coated in sand
2.  A dead jellyfish
1.  Nothing.  Absolutely nothing at all except a general objection that the other exists

But, they sure are cuties.  
Guns playing with his boat in a tide pool

Lil' Bit looking for shells

Saturday, July 24, 2010

You ARE Supermom, I can prove it.

Is anyone out there feeling like a failure as a parent?  Maybe you were tired from your date night last night where you had a couple of cocktails so you threw on cartoons, slopped some oj in sippy cups and dropped a handful of dry cereal on the coffee table?  Oh, right that was me.  Well, here's a little clip I watch from time to time to make me feel like I'm doing a rocking AWESOME job taking care of my kids.  

Ok, yeah, I had to find my encouragement in a third world country.  Don't judge.  

My favorite part is that at one point he looks like he's trying to push a cig on the smaller boy.  "Come on man, all the cool 2 yr olds are doing it...."  My kids are WAY safer on playdates, no matter how many toys they throw at your kid's head.  

Friday, July 23, 2010

"I will destroy you!"

Well, as I promised, it's today's dose of our children humiliating us in public.  I apologize to my Facebook friends, they already know the punchline.

Recently our family joined a new church.  We went through the three week class and were to be introduced to the church on Sunday.  Macho Man was out of town when the class was initiated, so we had to do it on our own two weeks later.

We had been encouraged to bring the kids up so that the church could 'meet' the whole family.  My first thought was "NO WAY", but my inherent and misguided optimism wore me down.  I realized it had been a mistake as soon as the service started and the REST of the sanctuary quieted down.  We used every trick in the book to keep the kids relatively entertained for the 15 minutes or so until we were up.  They were not quiet, but they stayed in the pew- and hey- we take our successes where we find them.  FINALLY it's our turn, we're thinking it's downhill from here.

But we take the hymnal away from Lil' Bit as we leave the pew and she starts to whimper.  Blue Eyes doesn't want us to take the iPhone away- he's busy blasting aliens.  Guns is lying in wait.

By the time the pastor starts asking us all the swear-in questions with his microphone, Lil' Bit is screaming "Give me my book baaaaaack!!!!!!!" repeatedly and trying to arch her way out of my grasp.

Macho Man is holding Guns when suddenly he scrunches up his face and points.  He's seen the associate pastor in his robes holding some sort of ceremonial gold-cross-on-a-pole thingy.  Well, in his limited 2 years of experience he assumes it must be a bad guy with some sort of weapon and shrieks:


When the pastor doesn't respond Guns puts him in his place again.  You know, in case he didn't get the message the first time.


By this time the congregation is a mixture of half laughing (have kids) and half shocked (didn't have kids).  Macho Man and I were mortified.  Especially Macho Man, as you can imagine.

"Dumber" living up to her name

First thing this morning I have to clean Guns up after he woke up with an icky #2 in his pull up.  I get him all wiped up and send him to go get a pair of underpants while I start serving up breakfast.  

Next thing I hear (Guns giggling) "She's licking my bottom!"

Sure enough, instead of getting underwear, Guns is standing in front of the tv and Dumber is licking his butt like a kid with a popsicle on a hot summer day.  


num. num.