Man, the kids are on a tear today

Holy Moly my kids are on a tear today.  I'm worn out.  Of course Macho Man is working.  

Lil' Bit has this nasty habit of joyfully pulling the keys off my laptop keyboard.  As far as I can tell it's a compulsion.  Kind of like if you or I were standing next to peeling paint we might have to resist the urge to pull it off.  Sometimes I get lucky and can pop them back on.  Other times one of the 12 important micro pieces are gone with the wind.   I currently am missing the letter 'K'.  At the time, I thought, no big deal- how much do I use the letter K anyway?  Let me tell you, enough to be annoyed when you don't have one.  I k (grr) know that she does this, and I take precautions, but she slipped past me for about 2 seconds while I was yelling at correcting the boys for something.  

Some of Lil' Bit's best work

Blue Eyes is just hyper as all get-out.  He also has decided that he's an alien now, and instead of addressing me as "Mommy" now addresses me as "the human".  Such as, "Guns, go get your own milk ($#!) from the human".  Again, something that has turned out to be more annoying than expected.  

But Guns takes the cake (#$@%!!), as usual.  First, he comes to me with wet hair.  Just the top of his head, and I'm thinking how did he swing that?  Exhibit A:

Blue Eyes cleared it up for me when I asked him what happened.  "He put his head in the toilet!" as he's convulsing in laughter.  So immediately I begin the walk of dread.  Let me explain.  I have three children under five using that bathroom.  And they're not so great at flushing.  In fact, the whole bathroom is disgusting all the time.  I would actually prefer an industrial bathroom with tile walls and a drain in the floor so I could just splash some bleach around and then hose it down.  But, really, I'm convinced that the only thing that could truly get it completely clean is an atomic bomb pulled out of cold war storage.  

What I'd like to do to my second bathroom

Sure enough, you guessed it- Guns had clearly been playing in the toilet (he had left a few bath toys in there) and the water was a dark yellow.  


Bath time.  


Soon I put them down for a nap, and I get a little work done before deciding to take a little cat nap myself.  Trust me, I knew this was a risky proposition, but I was exhausted.  About 45 minutes later I'm woken to: "Excuse me, human?  Gunner has gotten poop all over."  
Exhibit B:

My bedroom door.  Passive aggressive much?  

Guns, in fact, has gotten poop all over.  He evidently woke up from his nap with a full diaper and decided to do a little impromptu poo art.  In addition to the door, it was on the floor, on the nearby laundry hamper, etc, etc.

Bath time again.  Also, let me just say, it is not fun scrubbing dried poo off of a door and a wall.  It it amazingly resilient.  

As I'm taking the miracle eraser to the poo wall, I'm wondering about how much poo I must eat and drink, breathe and wear every day.  It must be everywhere.  I mean, the kids poop all over their clothes, and then I wash them in the washing machine- then later wash everything else in the washing machine.  Sanitary cycle or no, I'm pretty sure we're all wearing poo germs.   It's not like they sell antibacterial laundry soap.


Worse, I learned in a food science class in college that the FDA has regulations for the maximum amount of human feces, animal hair, bug pieces, etc. that is allowed in foods packaged for consumption in the United States.  So- think about it- that means that our government's foremost experts in food safety had to concede that all of those things are already routinely in our food, and had to settle for setting maximum allowable limits.  Grossed out yet?  Well, what ever the limit is for human feces, I suspect that we have far surpassed it in our home.  

If I really stop and think it through, it's inevitable.  Yes, I scrubbed the devil out of the poo I could see, but did I really get every last poo molecule and live bacteria?  Somehow I doubt it.  Not to mention, Guns probably touched all kinds of things after his art project that I can't see.  No amount of lysol wipes is going to get all that.  Not to mention the surfaces, like my leather couches, that I can't nuke.  The dogs and all of us are walking around on the floor.  Heck, the dogs are walking in the house from the backyard, so there's probably dog poo all over the place, too.  We're touching these surfaces that I can't locate and then climbing into our beds, touching our silverware and toothbrushes.  The kids drop food on the floor, then pick it up and eat it all the time.  And today's poo painting isn't an isolated issue for me- it's practically a national pastime at our house..  I clean poo all the time.  Therefore, I eat poo.  I drink poo.  So do my kids- every day.  I'm probably pickled with poo germs.  And bad news, if you have a potty training toddler, or a kid that doesn't wash their hands that great, or pets, there's a good chance you do too.  Sorry to point it out.  Now that I think about it, I wish our whole house had a drain in the middle of the floor.  

I think I'll be skipping dinner tonight.  Hope you've already eaten...