The Blind Leading the Small: Disturbing 'cause it's true....

Macho Man comes home from work, and surveys the scene....

"This place is like Disneyland for Pedophiles."

Except minus the ~~loin cloth~~ diaper

It's true, my house is the pediatric equivalent of a nude beach. My children are determined to be naked as much of the time as possible. They find clothes to be, at best, completely unnecessary, at worst, a major inconvenience. They will walk out of sight for 2.3 seconds and return stark naked. I've thought of several possible rational explanations, but I'm still puzzling over the idea. Here's what I've come up with:

1. Maybe they're legitimately hot. We spend a fortune on central air, but since our home is about as energy efficient as a Hummer on NOS we have to keep it pretty warm if we want a prayer of keeping groceries in the budget. But yet, nudity seems to be a year-round phenomenon.

2. Economy of motion? After all, every time they go to the bathroom it does require taking off the clothes, putting them back on. Not so difficult for me, but then, I don't have the fine motor skills of a 2 year old. Maybe they're just trying to save time and effort. However, this hypothesis doesn't explain why they strip in the kitchen, or in the backyard, or anywhere else nowhere remotely near a potty.

3. Inherited exhibitionism? There is a rather notorious story of Macho Man's mother entertaining guests, only to be joined by a Mini Macho Man in boots and a cowboy hat. ONLY boots and a cowboy hat. He was reportedly rather proud of himself. I picture that scene at the beginning of 'Forgetting Sarah Marshall', but I think it's because I know him as an adult and have some difficulty imagining a young, innocent, Mini Macho Man. You know, I may be onto something here- we already know he's passed down other strange traits. He's also been known to hang brain in a bar after a couple of drinks. No, you really don't want to know what that means- don't think about it too long.

All I know is that I spend my entire day saying "where is your underwear?", "why have you not put on underwear yet?", "haven't I asked you 3,000 times to go get your underwear?". Because, sadly, I'm happy if they even have that much on. Underwear is such a battle, I don't have the energy to attempt full outfits unless there is an imminent departure planned.

I'm convinced this tendency towards nudity is carried on the y chromosome. Why else would the preoccupation with nakedness commonly persist into adulthood with boys, yet girls seem to grow out of it once female hormones begin to rise.

This begs the question, on an evolutionary level, what was the advantage of preferring nudity? Were the males less likely to be taken down by a saber-toothed tiger if there were no loin skin trailing behind them in the wind to grab? Is this kind of like the lesson we learned from The Incredibles; that superheros with capes were prone to tragic wardrobe malfunctions?

Tsk. Tsk. Rookie mistake.

Were Neanderthal women into meat gazing? They only wanted to mate with the guys who could prove they had nothing to be shy about? Maybe just the really trollup-y ones, I'll hazard to guess. You know, the ones that evolved into those girls that hang out in country bars with their muffin tops hanging over their Rockies, or Ke$ha. Not to mention, all that brain would get awfully dirty hanging out all the time....